I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
