is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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