So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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