He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
