So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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