He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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