Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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