I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
