I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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