it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
