I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
