i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
