I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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