I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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