Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm at about main and main street
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
