just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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