i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
