It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
