Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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