I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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