yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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