When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You have to summon your inner elephant
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
