Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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