i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
When are your genitals available?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
