Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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