you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
