chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
