I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
