I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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