By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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