insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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