$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
