i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
