i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
