You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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