i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
