My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
