I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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