I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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