You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
