someone threw a dead crab at me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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