I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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