I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
