just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
