My underwear smells like fireworks.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
