watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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