it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
