I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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