Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
