Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
