Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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