I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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